Maybe someone else can clue me in on what is normal in the emotional world of being an adult woman. I have never grieved something like this before, barring the death of an actual person. Even in the tumultuous high school years, one day was about all it took to get over a breakup, a backstab, or the like. Maybe I have always been good at convincing myself I'm not upset, or that whatever I'm going through isn't a big deal. I've also always held fast to the conviction that God has a plan for me. In general, I like to know what's going on in my life; I like to plan where I'm going and analyze where I've been. I can see where God has worked that control loose from my death-grip and has been slowly showing me where His will is greater--and much more informed--than mine.
All that being said, and with my complete understanding that God knows what's best, who can explain this deep grief I am experiencing? I say "grief" because I can't think of another suitable word. It's not like I feel I've lost something, but, at the same time, I feel as though I'm on the verge of losing something. Perhaps I must loosen my grasp onto this dream I've always held for my future. Perhaps I'm grieving a possibility, and how foolish does that sound. God has not told me "no," but he has shown us "not right now." Am I the spoiled daughter who wants everything in her timing and by her standards? Veruca Salt from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" comes to mind. "I want it all, and I want it right now." Reality check?
All this aside, I can't fight the deep feeling of sadness creeping into every corner of my being. I think I've safeguarded all the corners of my heart and life when, BAM, someone says something, or looks a little too knowingly at me, and I'm all crumbles and sobs. Swaying between feeling completely responsible, almost superstitious, concerning any outcome and then feeling completely helpless--like nothing I do might matter: my pendulum. In looking at the constant emotional state of myself, I can't help but try to analyze what's happening; however, my small knowledge of the brain, depression, and faith can only go so far. In my head I know that I cannot trick God into giving me what I want; there is no magic formula of prayers, actions, and heart changes that combined correctly might change the course of His will. In my head I also know God's plans are more perfect and more wonderful than anything I could create. But what does my heart say? It says everything I don't believe and everything I know to be false. The disappointment creeps in, tugging at me to believe lies, but I know better. Though I feel the desperate longing to fall completely, to give up hope, to allow myself to be swallowed by the darkness; despite the feelings of my heart, and the temptation to fall into the nothingness of depression and deceit; I will and can choose God's truth and God's timing.
Father God... forgive my selfish wanderings in self-pity and sadness. You know the deepest desires of my heart, and you know the sadness I battle. You know the attacks I am facing, and you know where my strength ends. I choose to trust Your truth and Your provision for my life. I know that You will never test me beyond my limits; you will never hand me more than I can bear. With Your help, Father, I am ready to relinquish control of my life to You. Though I am quick to snatch up my dreams, I know my plans are sandcastles in comparison to the concrete freedom and joy You promise to provide. Please let me taste the freedom of a peaceful heart once again. Remind me of Your goodness and the safety I have in Your arms. I choose Your plans for me. Please prepare my heart for whatever those plans might be, whatever path you want me to follow. Shape my dreams to follow Your perfect plan for my life. Continue to remind me of my commitment to you--my promise to continue giving You the control I desperately cling to. I know You are good, and I know You are perfect. ... amen.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
barren woman I
"Waiting on God's timing."
"Whenever it is supposed to happen, it will."
"A lesson in patience."
No matter how many times I try to explain it to myself or to others, it's the same feeling in the pit of my stomach, the same pull on my heart--squeezing until the pain spills out in tears (so NOT like me). Sometimes the grieving just blindsides me. I'm not even thinking about not being able to get pregnant, then, out of no where, someone I know is getting pregnant, I see pregnant women and babies everywhere I look, or a mention of babies sends me into a spiral of self-pity (also, NOT like me). I'm beginning to wonder whether or not everything else has just come easy to me in life.
I'm a hard worker, don't get me wrong, but it seems like I've always been in control of my schedule, my timing, my life. Sure, I've had times where I've "given everything to God," and relied on His timing, but faced with something like the inability to conceive, I'm forced to wonder whether or not I had just convinced myself I was being patient before. Now, if you know me, you know I don't like to wait around for things; I love action, progress, and change, so living in a year of what feels like utter stagnancy only leads me to constantly wonder, "what the hell am I supposed to do about it?"
Wait.
Pray.
I know. I know the answer to my own questions. So, when people talk to me about this battle, what else can I say but, "there's nothing to say about it." Is there something more to say? Something more to do? Anything I say or do only feels like a contrived, superstitious effort to convince God to give me what I want. What does that make me? Human, I guess. So much of me believes if I just do everything right, I will get what I want, but that's not the way God operates. He isn't some trickster, expecting me to pay the price for what I want in life. He is the divine creator and all-knowing master of my universe. How hard can it be to get it into my thick skull that HE REALLY DOES KNOW BETTER?!? I know it in my head, now to pray for that reality to sink into my heart... just another reminder of how weak I am and how much I need Him.
"Whenever it is supposed to happen, it will."
"A lesson in patience."
No matter how many times I try to explain it to myself or to others, it's the same feeling in the pit of my stomach, the same pull on my heart--squeezing until the pain spills out in tears (so NOT like me). Sometimes the grieving just blindsides me. I'm not even thinking about not being able to get pregnant, then, out of no where, someone I know is getting pregnant, I see pregnant women and babies everywhere I look, or a mention of babies sends me into a spiral of self-pity (also, NOT like me). I'm beginning to wonder whether or not everything else has just come easy to me in life.
I'm a hard worker, don't get me wrong, but it seems like I've always been in control of my schedule, my timing, my life. Sure, I've had times where I've "given everything to God," and relied on His timing, but faced with something like the inability to conceive, I'm forced to wonder whether or not I had just convinced myself I was being patient before. Now, if you know me, you know I don't like to wait around for things; I love action, progress, and change, so living in a year of what feels like utter stagnancy only leads me to constantly wonder, "what the hell am I supposed to do about it?"
Wait.
Pray.
I know. I know the answer to my own questions. So, when people talk to me about this battle, what else can I say but, "there's nothing to say about it." Is there something more to say? Something more to do? Anything I say or do only feels like a contrived, superstitious effort to convince God to give me what I want. What does that make me? Human, I guess. So much of me believes if I just do everything right, I will get what I want, but that's not the way God operates. He isn't some trickster, expecting me to pay the price for what I want in life. He is the divine creator and all-knowing master of my universe. How hard can it be to get it into my thick skull that HE REALLY DOES KNOW BETTER?!? I know it in my head, now to pray for that reality to sink into my heart... just another reminder of how weak I am and how much I need Him.
back on the wagon
Maybe there's something about getting older that drives me back to the blogging world. Lots of things have happened--and haven't happened--since my 24th birthday, and here I am about to turn 25, in a completely different place than I thought I'd be... fancy that.
Aside from vocational expectations not living up to all I promised myself, personal and family stuff has changed a lot. It's been a year since we decided it was time to stop trying to prevent pregnancy. It makes me sick to think of all the times were were terrified I was pregnant before we were ready; now, it's a monthly roller coaster I feel like I might never get off. Dogs, kitchen remodeling, having a great house... none of that is the same as having a family. I don't understand God's timing, but I'm praying for patience and understanding.
Aside from vocational expectations not living up to all I promised myself, personal and family stuff has changed a lot. It's been a year since we decided it was time to stop trying to prevent pregnancy. It makes me sick to think of all the times were were terrified I was pregnant before we were ready; now, it's a monthly roller coaster I feel like I might never get off. Dogs, kitchen remodeling, having a great house... none of that is the same as having a family. I don't understand God's timing, but I'm praying for patience and understanding.
Monday, September 21, 2009
adult content
Student: "I don't know why adults always ask us these questions." (referring to a question I just asked him).
Me Thinking: "I can't believe YOU think I am an adult!?!?!"
Talking to a student--a HIGH SCHOOL student--is something I have always enjoyed and felt comfortable doing; I am 23, they are 18... not a huge age gap there. However, today I have stepped into the realm of adulthood, and my student has clearly drawn the line between youth and ME. Hmmm. I don't feel Adult.
* * *
Being 23, about to turn 24, doesn't feel as old as I thought it would. My birthday is Wednesday, and I am nothing like I thought I'd be at this age. When I was 18: "I want to be finished having children by the time I'm 25---otherwise I'll be too old!!"
Whatever.
Me Thinking: "I can't believe YOU think I am an adult!?!?!"
Talking to a student--a HIGH SCHOOL student--is something I have always enjoyed and felt comfortable doing; I am 23, they are 18... not a huge age gap there. However, today I have stepped into the realm of adulthood, and my student has clearly drawn the line between youth and ME. Hmmm. I don't feel Adult.
* * *
Being 23, about to turn 24, doesn't feel as old as I thought it would. My birthday is Wednesday, and I am nothing like I thought I'd be at this age. When I was 18: "I want to be finished having children by the time I'm 25---otherwise I'll be too old!!"
Whatever.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
sacrifices.
"So, do you think maybe you want to rethink having kids right now... you know, wait awhile?"
No.
This is the longest period of time I have spent away from my husband of three years... I take that back; this is the longest period of time I, myself, have gone away from the house and been away from my husband. As I was being driven around some new scenery with some of my favorite people, whom I haven't seen for awhile, I began thinking of who I was before I was married...
She was a run-around-girl. She did what she wanted, but loved intensely; sometimes too intensely for her own good. She wanted to make herself and those around her happy. She was also always on an adventure. She was ready to study in Germany, ready to see the world, teach English in Asia.
When I married my husband, I knew he wasn't the run-around-type: so constant, so dependable, I love that about him. No matter how crazy I am, he's a rock of stability. However, today during my little taste of freedom, independence, aloneness, I began craving that adventure. I thought of the boys I had dated in Scotland, the friends I could easily fall back in sync with from my hometown, the million other scenarios I could have imagined my life becoming had I not married my husband.
She loved too intensely because she didn't know how to love herself. Always trying to please others, she put her own standards and ideals behind what might please someone else. She thought men would like it; most probably thought she was desperate, trying too hard. She was trying too hard, but she didn't know what else to do.
I began my relationship with my husband unlike other romantic relationships: just friends. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend of a year, and I had recently realized I was an idiot. As I was turning to God to find fulfillment as his perfect creation, struggling to come to grips with what grace meant, my now-husband was doing the same thing, allowing God to heal him from his painful past relationships. We seamlessly fit together in easy conversation and evening strolls. Painless.
She was ugly to herself. In the quiet, she could hear the whispering deceit of the dark one, staking his claim on her heart, weaving lies throughout her thoughts and memories. Slowly, however, she realized the claws sinking into her heart, saw the lies for what they were. God's truth became apparent; she didn't have to hide anymore.
Tonight I saw the sunset--not just any sunset, the sunset over Puget Sound. It was breathtaking. Besides standing in wonderment of God's infinite power and beauty, I was struck by the overwhelming desire to be sharing the moment with one person, and one person only: my husband. He is the partner God has designated for my life. Although whispering lies tell me I have so many other options, I've sacrificed too much, I know the truth: my life is not my own. My Father, Yaweh, is in full control. I am with the man I'm supposed to be with, and together we will continue to walk the path God has set before us.
Praise God for His faithfulness, despite my lack of faith.
No.
This is the longest period of time I have spent away from my husband of three years... I take that back; this is the longest period of time I, myself, have gone away from the house and been away from my husband. As I was being driven around some new scenery with some of my favorite people, whom I haven't seen for awhile, I began thinking of who I was before I was married...
She was a run-around-girl. She did what she wanted, but loved intensely; sometimes too intensely for her own good. She wanted to make herself and those around her happy. She was also always on an adventure. She was ready to study in Germany, ready to see the world, teach English in Asia.
When I married my husband, I knew he wasn't the run-around-type: so constant, so dependable, I love that about him. No matter how crazy I am, he's a rock of stability. However, today during my little taste of freedom, independence, aloneness, I began craving that adventure. I thought of the boys I had dated in Scotland, the friends I could easily fall back in sync with from my hometown, the million other scenarios I could have imagined my life becoming had I not married my husband.
She loved too intensely because she didn't know how to love herself. Always trying to please others, she put her own standards and ideals behind what might please someone else. She thought men would like it; most probably thought she was desperate, trying too hard. She was trying too hard, but she didn't know what else to do.
I began my relationship with my husband unlike other romantic relationships: just friends. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend of a year, and I had recently realized I was an idiot. As I was turning to God to find fulfillment as his perfect creation, struggling to come to grips with what grace meant, my now-husband was doing the same thing, allowing God to heal him from his painful past relationships. We seamlessly fit together in easy conversation and evening strolls. Painless.
She was ugly to herself. In the quiet, she could hear the whispering deceit of the dark one, staking his claim on her heart, weaving lies throughout her thoughts and memories. Slowly, however, she realized the claws sinking into her heart, saw the lies for what they were. God's truth became apparent; she didn't have to hide anymore.
Tonight I saw the sunset--not just any sunset, the sunset over Puget Sound. It was breathtaking. Besides standing in wonderment of God's infinite power and beauty, I was struck by the overwhelming desire to be sharing the moment with one person, and one person only: my husband. He is the partner God has designated for my life. Although whispering lies tell me I have so many other options, I've sacrificed too much, I know the truth: my life is not my own. My Father, Yaweh, is in full control. I am with the man I'm supposed to be with, and together we will continue to walk the path God has set before us.
Praise God for His faithfulness, despite my lack of faith.
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