Monday, September 21, 2009

adult content

Student:  "I don't know why adults always ask us these questions."  (referring to a question I just asked him).

Me Thinking:  "I can't believe YOU think I am an adult!?!?!"

Talking to a student--a HIGH SCHOOL student--is something I have always enjoyed and felt comfortable doing; I am 23, they are 18... not a huge age gap there.  However, today I have stepped into the realm of adulthood, and my student has clearly drawn the line between youth and ME.  Hmmm.  I don't feel Adult.

* * *

Being 23, about to turn 24, doesn't feel as old as I thought it would.  My birthday is Wednesday, and I am nothing like I thought I'd be at this age.  When I was 18:  "I want to be finished having children by the time I'm 25---otherwise I'll be too old!!" 



Sunday, September 20, 2009


"So, do you think maybe you want to rethink having kids right now... you know, wait awhile?"


This is the longest period of time I have spent away from my husband of three years... I take that back; this is the longest period of time I, myself, have gone away from the house and been away from my husband. As I was being driven around some new scenery with some of my favorite people, whom I haven't seen for awhile, I began thinking of who I was before I was married...

She was a run-around-girl. She did what she wanted, but loved intensely; sometimes too intensely for her own good. She wanted to make herself and those around her happy. She was also always on an adventure. She was ready to study in Germany, ready to see the world, teach English in Asia.

When I married my husband, I knew he wasn't the run-around-type: so constant, so dependable, I love that about him. No matter how crazy I am, he's a rock of stability. However, today during my little taste of freedom, independence, aloneness, I began craving that adventure. I thought of the boys I had dated in Scotland, the friends I could easily fall back in sync with from my hometown, the million other scenarios I could have imagined my life becoming had I not married my husband.

She loved too intensely because she didn't know how to love herself. Always trying to please others, she put her own standards and ideals behind what might please someone else. She thought men would like it; most probably thought she was desperate, trying too hard. She was trying too hard, but she didn't know what else to do.

I began my relationship with my husband unlike other romantic relationships: just friends. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend of a year, and I had recently realized I was an idiot. As I was turning to God to find fulfillment as his perfect creation, struggling to come to grips with what grace meant, my now-husband was doing the same thing, allowing God to heal him from his painful past relationships. We seamlessly fit together in easy conversation and evening strolls. Painless.

She was ugly to herself. In the quiet, she could hear the whispering deceit of the dark one, staking his claim on her heart, weaving lies throughout her thoughts and memories. Slowly, however, she realized the claws sinking into her heart, saw the lies for what they were. God's truth became apparent; she didn't have to hide anymore.

Tonight I saw the sunset--not just any sunset, the sunset over Puget Sound. It was breathtaking. Besides standing in wonderment of God's infinite power and beauty, I was struck by the overwhelming desire to be sharing the moment with one person, and one person only: my husband. He is the partner God has designated for my life. Although whispering lies tell me I have so many other options, I've sacrificed too much, I know the truth: my life is not my own. My Father, Yaweh, is in full control. I am with the man I'm supposed to be with, and together we will continue to walk the path God has set before us.

Praise God for His faithfulness, despite my lack of faith.