"Waiting on God's timing."
"Whenever it is supposed to happen, it will."
"A lesson in patience."
No matter how many times I try to explain it to myself or to others, it's the same feeling in the pit of my stomach, the same pull on my heart--squeezing until the pain spills out in tears (so NOT like me). Sometimes the grieving just blindsides me. I'm not even thinking about not being able to get pregnant, then, out of no where, someone I know is getting pregnant, I see pregnant women and babies everywhere I look, or a mention of babies sends me into a spiral of self-pity (also, NOT like me). I'm beginning to wonder whether or not everything else has just come easy to me in life.
I'm a hard worker, don't get me wrong, but it seems like I've always been in control of my schedule, my timing, my life. Sure, I've had times where I've "given everything to God," and relied on His timing, but faced with something like the inability to conceive, I'm forced to wonder whether or not I had just convinced myself I was being patient before. Now, if you know me, you know I don't like to wait around for things; I love action, progress, and change, so living in a year of what feels like utter stagnancy only leads me to constantly wonder, "what the hell am I supposed to do about it?"
Wait.
Pray.
I know. I know the answer to my own questions. So, when people talk to me about this battle, what else can I say but, "there's nothing to say about it." Is there something more to say? Something more to do? Anything I say or do only feels like a contrived, superstitious effort to convince God to give me what I want. What does that make me? Human, I guess. So much of me believes if I just do everything right, I will get what I want, but that's not the way God operates. He isn't some trickster, expecting me to pay the price for what I want in life. He is the divine creator and all-knowing master of my universe. How hard can it be to get it into my thick skull that HE REALLY DOES KNOW BETTER?!? I know it in my head, now to pray for that reality to sink into my heart... just another reminder of how weak I am and how much I need Him.
I can't imagine being a married woman, and "Fully Equipped" for being able to have children. But being in my situation, and having to create the possibility myself, is a heartache of itself. I feel "punished" and different because I can't create children the conventional way. And I keep wondering why it has to be a struggle. Asking God, "Aren't I as deserving as everyone else?", "Isn't there some way for it all to fall into place?" "Haven't I worked hard enough in life?" And feel guilty for asking any questions at all. I have dreams of experiencing the joys of raising a child, providing my parents with a grandchild, my grandparents a great-grandchild, and experiencing that joy with everyone. You and Leif are the closest thing I have to siblings. It would be incredible to experience those things with you and your families too ;-)
ReplyDeleteSo I guess I'm saying, I can relate to the wonder and longing. And I wonder, when might it happen for us, too?
I love you, cousin <3
ReplyDelete